She Called Me Stupid — And I Saw Myself in Her Eyes
Something happened over the weekend with my stepdaughter Taylinn that hit me harder than I expected and reminded me why it’s so hard parenting through ADHD meltdowns.
Ok…it shook the shit out of me.
It started simple enough. Just a little attitude correction. I honestly don’t even remember what it was about now — something small I’m sure. But like she sometimes (ok…usually) does, she reacted with a little sass and talking back. Nothing over the top. Or at least nothing we aren’t used to – it’s kind of her go-to response when you tell her something she doesn’t want to hear. Usually, if we stay calm, she calms down too. It wasn’t always that way but she’s gotten much better at controlling her emotions over the last couple years. Sometimes she stomps upstairs, breathes for a bit, and comes back down apologizing, realizing she got a little out of control but that’s usually as far as it goes these days.
But this time it was different.
This time, it escalated. Quick.
She called me stupid. And I could hear in her yell that she wanted to say so much worse.
I stayed relatively calm and warned, “Tay, don’t say something you’re gonna regret.”
And she came right back with something along the lines of, “I don’t care. You’re stupid. This is stupid.”
And just like that, I was transported — straight back to my own childhood.
Back to being a kid screaming “I hate you!” to the air — not because no one was there to hear it, but because it felt like no one ever did.
And I’ll tell you right fucking now…THIS is one of the hardest parts of being a parent with ADHD and parenting through ADHD meltdowns. You’re not just handling their emotions — you’re reliving your own.
ADHD, Impulsivity, and Emotional Firestorms
I remember vividly how it starts.
Small correction.
You don’t like it.
You push back.
They push harder.
You fucking lose it.
ADHD throws a bucket of gas on the whole damn thing. You don’t think — you just react. You try hard to say things that hurt because in the moment, you’re hurting. You’re trying to protect yourself from something you can’t even name by fighting back the same way you feel.
Tay went from sassy to outright mean in about two seconds, and yeah, it was brutal to hear. But what made it so much worse was how familiar it felt. I knew that spiral. I lived that spiral. And deep down, I think I still carry it.
CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD) talks about how emotional dysregulation is often overlooked in ADHD — it’s definitely one of the biggest challenges families face. And when you’re parenting through ADHD meltdowns, it can feel like you’re walking a tightrope with no net.
The Struggle as a Stepdad
As a stepdad, I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew the perfect way to respond. But I sure as hell don’t. And the truth is, that makes me feel like shit because it makes me feel like I’m failing her — like if I were better at this, moments like this wouldn’t still happen.
And yet here I am. Writing a post about how it does.
What really scares the shit outta me though? I know firsthand where this leads if it doesn’t change. I know that as you grow, those words don’t get softer — they get sharper. And they start to cost you. People walk away. Opportunities close. People label you. “Reactive.” “Short-tempered.” “Difficult.”
It can wreck relationships before they even get the chance to grow.
Eventually, her mom went upstairs and talked to her and Tay came back down and apologized.
We had a chat about what happened and she told me what she didn’t like — not how I said it, because I’d managed to stay pretty calm (something I’ve really been working hard on lately) — but what I said. I acknowledged it. I told her there are things I can and will work on. But I also reminded her that not liking what I said doesn’t make it okay to respond that way.
We hugged. I cried a little. I talked to her about what can happen if she doesn’t learn how to control her emotions and express them better.
And she was incredible the rest of the day. Sweet. Loving. Present.
The Bigger Mission
Still, something about the whole thing shook the shit out of me.
It reminded me — in my bones — what it felt like to be that angry, misunderstood kid. And it broke my heart all over again.
And that truly is my biggest why now.
I don’t want anyone — especially not my kids or stepkids — to feel that way. That rage. That helplessness. That heartbreak of not being heard. Of being misunderstood. Of burning down every connection just trying to protect yourself from something you can’t even name.
I know there’s so many people still stuck in that cycle. Adults my age. Teens. Kids. Saying things they don’t mean. Ruining things they actually care about. And parents on the other side, hurting just as much, not knowing what to do.
If that’s you, you’re not alone. There’s a great article from ADDitude Magazine on ADHD and emotional dysregulation that really helped me see this from a clearer lens.
I’ve been the kid.
I am the parent.
And if I can do anything with my time here — anything — it’s this:
To help break that cycle.
To help people feel seen.
To help them respond, not react.
To help them heal.
That’s the mission now.
That’s the why.
Because no one should have to live like that.
Not them.
Not us.
Not anymore.
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