I’m Tired of Being the Asshole in the Room (Especially to the People I Love)
Let me just get this out there:
I can be a judgmental, critical prick.
Not to strangers.
Not usually to coworkers.
But definitely to the people I love the most.
I’ve realized it for years now and it’s been killing me inside for just as long.
I’ve spent a lifetime snapping, correcting, nitpicking, and “just trying to help.” But no matter how I rationalize it, it always hits the same – like I’m holding a giant sign in their face that says:
“You’re not enough.”
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not always like this and Beth would tell me I’m being too hard on myself but I’m also self-aware enough to know it’s a big problem for me
Beth has felt it. The kids have felt it.
And I’ve tried – goddamn, have I tried – to change it.
I’ve read the books. Done a shit ton of journaling. Told myself a million times “next time I’ll do better.”
But in the moment?
When someone does something in a way that isn’t the most efficient way in my over-analyzing mind or if someone says something that doesn’t make sense to my hyper-literal, anxious brain?
I don’t even hesitate. I jump all over that shit.
I hate it so it’s made me look hard at how to stop being critical of your partner – not just for clicks or surface-level advice, but because it’s a survival skill for my relationships.
Why the Hell Am I Like This?
I hate saying this because it sounds like an excuse but I’m starting to realize this might be tied to my AuDHD.
Autistic wiring means I see everything – the patterns, the inconsistencies, the things that just don’t “make sense.”
ADHD wiring means I blurt, overreact, and then realize too late that I’ve completely destroyed the moment I meant to connect in.
I pick things apart because my brain is trying to keep the world from falling apart.
I criticize because it feels safer than being vulnerable.
But my good intentions don’t matter if they keep leaving scars.
I Don’t Want to Be “Right” Anymore. I Just Want to Be a Safe Place
I want Beth to exhale when I walk into the room, not stiffen with tension.
I want the kids to feel seen and proud instead of scrutinized.
I want to lead with softness instead of sharpness.
And the thing is, I now know that change doesn’t happen in the moment. It happens before it.
That’s where this next part comes in.
The Post-It Project: My Pattern Interrupt System
I’m setting traps for my autopilot.
Literal post-it notes.
On my phone charger.
On the front door.
In the car.
Just little neon punches of truth designed to interrupt the old script.
I’ve been using them for a little while now and they seem to help me pause before I go into “fix-it mode.”
Here’s what a few of mine say:
“Beth wants your presence, not your judgments.”
“They don’t need a fixer. They need a father.”
“Love doesn’t sound like a correction.”
If you’re working on how to stop being critical of your partner, this kind of system isn’t just pretty, fluffy shit – it’s survival. Especially for neurodivergent brains that default to defense when we feel unsafe.
But What the Hell Do You Say Instead?
Silencing judgment is one thing.
But then what? What do you actually say instead?
Well, here’s a few examples of what I’m practicing:
🔹 When I’m tempted to point out what’s wrong:
“Help me understand what you were thinking here.”
“That’s one way to do it. Want some thoughts on another?”
🔹 When I think something’s messy or inefficient:
“Do you want help or just for me to listen?”
“It might not be how I’d do it, but I’m trying harder to be open to seeing it another way.”
🔹 When I’m about to snap or correct:
“I’m feeling a little snappy – mind if I chill a minute before we keep going?”
“I caught myself about to critique – would you rather I say it or save it?”
🔹 And when I need to remind myself what matters most:
“You matter more to me than being right.”
I know, they sound corny AF and they may seem small, but they’re definitely rewiring me to remember to connect before I correct.
(If you’re trying to rework your own habits, these 10 mantras about judgment from Marc and Angel are worth bookmarking.)
It’s Not About Perfection. It’s About Pattern Interrupts.
I realize I’m not gonna magically become the world’s most affirming guy overnight.
But I know I can get better at catching myself.
I can:
Put post-its in my line of sight where I can’t miss them
Use physical grounding cues like deep breaths or simply just holding my hand on my heart when I say the reminders and mantras
And remember: love doesn’t sound like a correction
Because, despite how it comes across sometimes, I know love isn’t some debate I need to win.
It’s a space to be safe.
And I’m done being the unsafe one in the room.
If you’re trying to figure out how to stop being critical of your partner – especially if you’re neurodivergent – this post isn’t about shame. It’s about starting over. One post-it at a time.
Less judgment. More presence.
That’s the kind of man I want to be.
Even if it takes a hundred reminders a day.
👉 Want the phrases and post-it prompts I use daily?
Grab your free copy here: paul-linehan.com/adhd-friendly-download-hub
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